Newly Open

Why can’t I ever do anything right?

I can’t even not be a whiny self-pitying child.

I suppose I’m just destined to fail at life, because I fuck up all my chances at happiness or success.

(And, yes, this is partially a cry for attention, but it’s also how I’m feeling right now)

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Nov/21/2010 - 2:16 PM

You know who you are… And I love and miss you.

:)

Cute gay guy in my class is so cute.

Ok, so I’m kind of just assuming his sexuality because he’s never explicitly identified as gay. Maybe he identifies as queer. Maybe he’s bi. Maybe he homoflexible.

But probably not. Seriously. My crushes are so full of fail.

The score so far, in case you’re playing along at home, is straight girl, gay guy, and queer girl with a girlfriend (in a probably monogamous relationship).

And on top of that, I love my partner, and that thing is all kinds of complicated right now.

Oh, life, what did I do to make you want to play these tricks on me?

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Nov/19/2010 - 4:11 PM

Why does the girl I like have a girlfriend?

And I doubt they’re open or poly. I mean, I’ll wait and see, but…

Just my luck *facepalm*

(PS: Harry Potter movie was awesome)

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Nov/19/2010 - 3:27 AM

jointhismasquerade:

madly-random:

hydrostaticpressure:

rival-factions:

Jump by Kriss Kross.

Yeah. Be jealous.

Baby got back by sir mix-a-lot

YOU BE JEALOUS

Theme from Mahogany (“Do You Know Where You’re Going To”) - Diana Ross

:-/

Stay by Shakespear’s Sister

In the USA:
“Batdance” by Prince

In the UK:
“Swing The Mood” by Jive Bunny

He came back during a short break. And we cuddled. He was being really sweet.

Him: *worried* “She [my teacher] is going to hate me”
Me: “No she’s not; you’re awesome.”
Him: *smile* “You’re kinda awesome too. Just a little bit” *smirk*

He was being cute and a little flirty. He hasn’t been like that in a little while with me (not since his new partner). So…it felt nice. I felt special and loved.

He can compartmentalize his thoughts. I don’t know how he does it. When he said he doesn’t wanna think about it until after Thanksgiving… that doesn’t mean he’s really thinking about it and wasn’t planning to talk about it with me. It means…he’s literally not gonna have it on his mind until after Thanksgiving. I don’t know. He hass a very strange mind…

I’m still nervous as fuck. ‘Cause he still very well might decide something that would leave me in a very dark place… But I’m not crying anymore. And I might be able to concentrate enough to get some of my work done.

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Nov/18/2010 - 2:55 PM

My partner’s new partner said she’s not sure if she’s comfortable having intercourse with him unless they were in a closed relationship. She’s comfortable with their level of sexuality now, but she’s not sure about that. He said not to worry about it and they’d wait to talk about it again until after Thanksgiving break.

What do I do if he decides to close his relationship with her? Seriously…what do I do?

Because I think he’s considering it. At least a little bit. Processing the thought anyway. Deciding.

We were always open. I’m finally getting legitimately comfortable with open relationships, and he’s possibly thinking about closing it with someone else?

He said not to worry about it. But he didn’t say he wouldn’t. One simple sentenced would have calmed my fears… but he didn’t say it. He couldn’t talk about it, didn’t want to talk about it with me at the moment. He had to hurry off to a meeting.

I’m afraid I’m gonna make him feel forced to stay in an open relationship. But it’s not fair; if he would never consider closing it before…Why now? Why with her? They just started seeing each other! Is it NRE driving it? WTF?!

I’m finally getting comfortable with polyamory and this happens?! WHAT THE FUCK?!

He probably won’t. But if I make him feel forced, that might drive him to rebel against what he feels is confinement just because he feels forced by me.

But if he does that. If he closes it with her; and stops us…

I really don’t know what I would do.

Christmas break would suck; I know that.

Spring semester would suck.

I would lose my best friend. Because I wouldn’t be comfortable being around him for a long time. A long time.

And I’m worried. And I’m a paranoid person who dwells on worries. I have insecurity issues. I have fear of abandonment issues.

I have depression. I’ve been seeing someone about it and started medication. It was really getting better until 2 weeks ago. And I’ve been sorta readjusting. But not any more. I don’t know how to anymore.

I’m gonna cry all day today. I’m not gonna be able to work on my essay. Fuck.

What do I do? Tell me what to do…

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Nov/18/2010 - 12:39 PM